The previous commentary discussed what to say to others when there's a loss.  But how do YOU accept the light when you're dealing with the death of a loved one?  What does it mean...to accept the light?  Where does that phrase come from?  To accept the light!  What is the light?  A mysterious glow radiating from where?  

More importantly, where do you seek out comfort, compassion, support from others?  Does helping others help yourself?  Can you turn anger into gratitude?  Gratitude for the relationship.  Gratitude for the connection.

Make a list of all the things you are thankful for related to that special person in your life.  Happy memories of experiences.  What did you learn from that person?  What did you most enjoy?

I know that I'm leaving you with a lot of questions, but it's important to think about the answers to those questions.  Cherishing those you have lost.  Recalling the love you received.  Have faith that the future will be kind and bright to you.  Embrace the light and leave the darkness behind.

ow can you be a really good friend or family member, in times of crisis?  How to help?  Are you concerned that you won't know what to say or do?  People get sick - - seriously or terminally ill, they lose family members (parents, children)* and are bereft with grief, pregnancies go awry, relationships end abruptly, even the aging process, and more.  So, what do you do? 

These are a few responses, NOT TO SAY...
 
"You'll get over this."
"I've been there."
"It's for the best."
"You can always adopt."
"You are lucky that you had your mom for as long as you did.  I didn't have my mother for as long as you had yours."

Keep in back of your mind that your friend or family member needs understanding, comfort, solace, "a soft place to land."  They know that what happened can't be changed.  It is..what it is.  And, that it is so sad and painful.  Let them know that you're there for them.  To listen and to acknowledge.    Some better responses:

I am so sorry that this happened.
I was so sad to hear the news.
How are you dealing with this?
May I call you (choose a daily, weekly, biweekly, monthly schedule of communication)?

The moral to this is not to communicate that you know what they're going through, or, that you have the solution.  The best is to BE THERE..LISTEN..OFFER HELP (cooking, cleaning, helping with their small children, helping with property clean-out).  I know of someone who kept paying the property taxes and minor utilities emptying their father's empty house for years!  Was this extended grief?  What could you have offered?



*Family members can, and often, includes, pets

Everything I have ever heard was that it is good for you to be with friends.  Your stress hormones lower.  Your blood pressure is lowered.  You're engaged and connected.  

But the key to this is that they need to be people whose company you enjoy and appreciate.  And, activities you enjoy that utilize the alternate side of your brain that you do not customarilly use daily at work, for example.  For me, my friends were very eager and excited about a performance we saw at the Bucks County Playhouse which had to do with mental illness.  To be transparent, my clients are not mentally ill.  They, mostly, seek a sounding board, someone to assist with life issues, decisions, stress, etc.  However, the play was not relaxing for me.  I didn't enjoy myself, and it even affected me afterwards at our group dinner.  What works for me is when I get to use the right side of my brain, the creative/imaginative side and that's when I truly relax.  Movies, light plays, concerts, the orchestra, Broadway and the wonderful playhouses we have in the Philadelphia and Delaware Valley.

For you, decide what works best:  Do you enjoy going to the "Club?" for fitness.  Riding a bike, Playing tennis or some other competitive sport, reading a book, listening to comedy, taking up a new language or making pottery.  The list can go on and on.

The main point is do what you enjoy.  Don't force yourself to do anything that doesn't bring you joy.  That is my missive for the end of 2019.  Enjoy, have fun and be safe.  Have a happy and healthy New Year!

Who makes a good friend?  A true friend?  What characteristics should a friend have?  How many friends do you have?  Is it the number on your Facebook account?  Do you have the same friends now that you had 10 years ago?  How about those folks you invited to your wedding?  Depending on your age, of course, ten years is a significant amount of time and a good test for friendship endurance.

Do your friends lift you up, or, bring you down?
Are they there for you, or, do they find an excuse to not be there for you?

A true friend is there for you.
A true friend will hold you up when you need that.
A true friend is honest and sees the good in you, even if they don't agree with you.
A true friend welcomes your presence and accepts the person that you are.

Be the model example of what a good friend should be.
​As in the 'Golden Rule," do unto your good friend, as you would like your good friend to do and be unto you.

​Blessings.

You don't have to be alone.  You can schedule social activity, just like scheduling alone time.  Here's the thing: the folks who lament that "I don't have friends who will do things with me," or, "my weekends are boring, and I don't know how to fill it."  It does take effort.  It takes initiating.  It takes reaching-out.  I can't tell you how many times I've been told, "I'm tired of being the one who does the calliing, or the planning, or the reservations, etc.  "I don't feel that it is being reciprocated; so, I have just given up.  The key word there is FEEL."

If you are feeling angry, perturbed, frustrated, that is a feeling and not necessarily a FACT.  And, indeed, there are those who do not initiate the call or the activity.  And, it may very well trigger a feeling.  If it brings up triggers from your past, Relationships where you felt that you did all-the-work.  Unless it's your partner or spouse, and that's a situation for another discussion, then find friends who will take an equal role in cultivating the friendship.  It goes both ways, after all.

PS:  Review your life goals.  If you've always wanted to learn how to ice skate, learn an art (painting, sculpture, ceramics, flyfishing, astrology, cooking class, poetry, writing your memoir, travel - - the list can go on and on. Join a topical meetup group.  You'll be surprised how many like-minded people you meet.

I have a lot to say about this topic.  I, myself, am very comfortable being alone.  A time to catch-up.  A time to 'be 'alone' with my thoughts.  Reflective.  However, I fully understand that while I crave alone time, it's not for everyone.  For some, being alone can be miserable.

I know that there are people who have many friends and feel lonesome.  And for others who have few friends, feel anything but lonely.  

Loneliness is a serious situation.  It poses risks for physical maladies.  Lonely people are more susceptible to GI illness, heart and pulmonary disease than non-lonely people.  Studies indicate that lonely people feel worse when stricken with any physical condition, even the common-cold.

In the book, "Loneliness:  Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection," the author states that "solitude can be restorative and peaceful;" however, the same person who craves solitude can also be depressed, sad and unhappy.

Keep in mind that this is a perceptual thing.  The QUALITY of relationships is as important, if not more important, than the sheer number of relationships.

Since I didn't post in September, I shall be posting again in October, Techniques to Defend Oneself Against Loneliness.  Until then...

Do you have difficulty falling asleep, or, staying asleep.  Do you toss and turn, and you awaken feeling exhausted?  The tried and true advice:  no cell phones, or, other screen-type devices; watch caffeine consumption.  We've all heard those suggestions.

​However, did you know that although having a glass of wine is calming before bedtime, it can also cause fragmented sleep, especially mid-sleep period.  The Center for Disease Control and Prevention suggests that your last drink is 3 hours before bedtime and with that, one drink for women and two, at the max., for men.

If you are on medications, don't forget to ask your doctor the best time to take them, as some of them could be energizing, e.g., antidepressant SSRI's.

Having a nap in the middle of the day might trick your brain.  That "power nap" may be what you need to fend off exhaustion in the middle of the day; it might also fool your brain and body from having that natural tiredness so that you drift off to sleep easily.

With all of this stated, and still no restful, easy sleep, your physician just might be the next alternative, so that you are evaluated for psychological reasons (depression, anxiety), or even physiological ones (deviated septum, sleep apnea, etc.)?

I hear over and over again that my clients are able to have fun with their friends; however, when they go home, those same sad & depressed feelings return.   It is the exception when individuals feel sad getting togelther with friends.  Laughing, sharing memories, letting loose.  Then, coming home after an enjoyable activity, and those jumbled thoughts come into play which result in landing in a bad place.  Doing something enjoyable makes us feel good.  What we have to be on the lookout for is sameness, boredom, ennui.

Savor your experiences with friends, but also 'mix-up' the time you are home alone.  Take notice of your alone time and appreciate the ability to do the things you have wanted to do.  Try something new or add something different [burn incense, write, play music, DANCE (even if alone)].  Don't make it all about your 'to-do' list.

The important thing is:  don't get in a rut.  Appreciate what you have, and think about how to enhance it.  Make the most of all of your experiences.

​

Unlike Flower Power, relationship power indicates that one partner has an unfair advantage.  100% giving and 100% receiving is unfair on both ends.  Giving and receiving doesn't have to be equal, but it does have to be fair.  What is key is that you stand up for yourself, making certain that you're heard.  If you do not feel you're being heard, what do you do?  Then, you have to negotiate, stating your case and expressing your desires.  " What I believe is fair that if I do the shopping, meal prep, cooking, then, I would appreciate if you would do the entire cleanup before we go to bed.  That would make me feel that you appreciate and honor the work I do." Caveat:  Know what you're going to say before you have this discussion.  If the discussion goes south, take a break (minimum of a 1/2 hour) before resuming.  Good luck!

Back to my monthly post...

Something that I've been hearing over and over again are hurtful words expressed by one partner in a relationship to the other, and how it diminishes sexual desire with that individual.  It makes sense that if you feel demeaned, degraded, belittled, you aren't going to feel desirous for a romp in the hay.  As it is referred to, lovemaking should be all about the love.

When a partner/spouse uses phrases or words to 'put-down' their partner, it can stem from a number of reasons.  It is vital that each partner be treated with dignity and respect.  If your partner isn't sensitive or knowledgeable that words can hurt, resentment will build up, feelings will be hurt, and the desire to show affection will be diminished or withdrawn altogether.

You can't change another person.  However, you can stand-up for yourself and communicate to her or him, that you have needs, and a major need would be not to ridiculed or mocked.  Opening that path for affection and connection requres healthy communication.