I don't know if my colleagues would agree with me. That is, I believe there are circumstances that aren't in your best interest to forgive. It would not be healing for you.
Actually, I believe strongly in what is done, is done. What is the point of holding onto grudges?
If another individual will not apologize to you, can you just let it go, or, do you forgive? However, if you feel truly wronged. You may not wish to put yourself in the awkward position of seeing that person, dealing with hurt feelings or, waiting for an apology that may never happen. What I do know to be true is that percolating with that grudge is unhealthy and can make you sick. And, what good is that?
How do you separate what you heart is saying to you...from your mind, from you body, from your spiritual being. How do you know which one is speaking to you, or, is that why it is confusing and disorderly?
When others are speaking, do you take the time to really understand what they are saying, or, are you thinking of the reply?
How do you know when the person speaking to you, just wants you to listen, and not respond with 'ideas-to-fix' a situation?
It's not being selfish when I suggest that in order to be a really good listener for others, you have to listen to yourself. Hear what each area of you is saying to you. Does your body ache, or are you feeling extremely fatigued? Is your brain frazzled, not being able to take in anything else? Is your schedule to demanding, or others in your life (family, work, etc.) just asking too much?
Perhaps now is the time for transformation. To really listen to yourself, what it is that you need. It's about freeing yourself from unwieldy obligations, making time for yourself to do...whatever.
Be curious to try new things, or to do nothing at all. Whatever you do, do it with honesty and integrity.
Ask yourself what you need to feel free. Free enough to make decisions, first, that are in your self-interest. When you take care of yourself, you will find that you are more present, more engaged to be there for others.
Show that you care, for yourself, first, and then for others.
Stay safe, and, stay well. Hope you receive the vaccine soon, and without too much consequence, if any, at all.
For those who live alone, this can be a very lonely time. Over 10 months into this, and we are still being instructed to maintain social distancing, wear masks and limit contact with others outside of your bubble.
It can be viewed as a lonely, and, boring time. We are eating more. Watching TV more. In front of our monitors/screens more, and each day doesn't seem that different from the previous day. Of course, there are some households with two or more people, and maybe the loneliness factor doesn't apply to them; however, the screen time can still very much be an issue.
The social disconnection is the constant and is what makes this insidious. I have heard from friends, family
members and clients that Covid quarantine is not that much different from life before Covid. Where it has been a real issue is, as mentioned before, is people living alone, older adults who depended on visits from their children and grandchildren. And this has gone away...for now. And don't get me started about the Holidays!
Be aware that there are individuals with few social contacts, in general (now and the past), and, that aren't feeling lonely at all. And there are individuals who have a wide social network pre-Covid and they feel terribly lonely and disconnected. How to make sense of all this?
In my professional opinion, face-time, REAL FACETIME, not the app on Apple products is what I strongly suggest...
Even from a minimum of six feet away: double-masked and adhering to ALL safety precautions is better than isolation and loneliness.
I wish us all the very best wishes with all of this. From my heart to yours!
Happy New Year to one and all.
I, myself, have borne witness to some not nice behavior of late. Some on the road (aggressive driving), some regarding not keeping adequate social distancing. In fact, last week, I asked someone in line behind me to give me more space. I gave the person in front of me the required six feet, and the gentleman I'm referring to was approximately one foot behind me. He snapped at me. "You have plenty of room," he defiantly stated. I wasn't going to argue the point, and basically moved out of line, so that I would have appropriate distance.
There's a lot of anger out there. And, we just don't know what those individual experiences have been. The (ain't no) gentleman behind me is dealing with his own stuff. Was his reaction to me warranted? I didn't think so, but I'm not him. I chose to smile (under my mask). I chose to tap into my own happiness. When you are happy, how can you be angry? Interesting enough, it goes both ways. And, when you are angry, how can you be happy?
Treat yourself to any one of the hundreds of books on finding happiness for yourself. Or, patronize your Public Library and find one there. Take a Happiness Master Class, or, easier yet, go on You Tube, and put the simple word, "Happiness" into the task bar.
And, finally, dear friends, may the New Year bring you joy and may you be surrounded with love.
There's a great deal of excitement surrounding news regarding a vaccine. Will you be able to be in the "first group" to avail yourselves of it? Will it be 100% effective? If not, are you posing risk to yourself if you decide not to wear a mask? If you continue to wear a mask after receiving the vaccine, will you be 100% safe from contracting the virus? These questions, and, many, many more are on the minds of all of us.
We are constantly hearing news about it, and some of it is, conflicting. What to do:
On a psychological frame of reference: Focus on the here and now. Don't dwell in the past, or the future, for that matter. Pay attention to the news and make decisions based on SCIENCE, not what your kids hear from schoolmates or teachers, neighbors, even family members. Discuss with your family physician or, if you are seeing a specialist, it will be especially important to receive their insight(s), especially if you are elderly or being treated for a challenging medical situation.
Listen to your own self, because after all, you have been living with yourself for many years ;-) and I trust that you will trust yourself.
Think about a positive future.
I realize that there are many who have lost loved ones to the Virus, and I don't take that likely. Please do not allow the grieving process to lock you in sadness, anger, feelings of guilt, depression. Remember that there is no set timetable. It may take longer for some, than for others, to feel better.
If you are confused, caught-up with everything and feeling that you just do not know how to process it, take a step back and look at the facts with a new set of eyes. Imagine yourself being very healthy, enjoying life, and little by little bringing Normal back to your life again.
Last month, I wrote about keeping a Gratitude journal.
So many times, people will commit to something for let's say, 30 days, and they give up long before the end date. Choose a sooner goal. 1 week, maybe? Then, proceed to two weeks, three weeks, etc. If you believe that you won't be able to come up with new things everyday, keep yourself open to what is happening around you, who is in your life, events to look forward to, current experiences - - all positive thoughts. Rethink and retain those thoughts.
Make certain that you have 7-8 hrs./sleep/night. If you don't receive at least those hours of necessary sleep, you will be tired and your brain will be on high alert. You will have great difficulty seeing the positive aspect that life has to offer. And, on top of that, it's just not good for your health and well-being.
Get plenty of sleep. Expect positive outcomes and take note (literally & figuratively) of everything for which to be grateful and have (inner) gratitude.
I have been taught time and time again that keeping a gratitude journal is a sure-fire way of having mental-health wellness. You can purchase a "fancy" one, leather-bound ($15.-$30.), mole-skin ($10.-$15.) or a very inexpensive spiral notebook for approximately $5.00...much less on the Clearance shelf at OfficeMax, Staples, etc.
Whether we live in the past, present, future, I'm sure that you will agree with me that we need to take each day- - -one at a time. We can learn from the past; we can plan for the future; however, today is where you are at, now.
What are you grateful for today? What would you like to acknowledge that you appreciate and are grateful?
Now, what if your day isn't turning out exactly the way you want.
It's raining outside and you can't take the walk that you have been looking forward to all day. Your boss has you doing overtime.
Raining outside: use those cloudy days to empty drawers and throw away stuff that you haven't touched in a very long time.
Your boss has you doing overtime: See if you can negotiate with her or hime whether you can start the day later tomorrow, or, another day.
These ideas can help you shift your mind to what has 'brought you down' to a brighter point of view.
What I would like to leave you with today is not to allow the weather, or your boss, or anything, for that matter, to influence what the outcome of your day is going to be.
Your positive thoughts will determine success or failure, and if you can see the positive, write it down in your "Gratitude Journal." Stay motivated.
And, before turning in for the night, ask yourself, what was the most positive thing that happened, or that you did all day. Because no matter what, you accomplished stuff, you enjoyed doing ..., and then you can look forward to tomorrow.
Those of you who are baby boomers will remember Neil Sedaka's hit song, "Breaking Up is Hard to Do." It takes a very serious situation in the lives of two people and the lyrics of the song may be viewed as trivializing it. Ending a relationship is very hard to do, but sometimes/often times quite necessary to do. Extreme emotional distress, domestic abuse, serial infidelity or one partner is continuing an outside sexual/emotional relationship with someone else, are just a few on a very long list.
That doesn't mean in most cases you shouldn't engage a couples counselor to assist in 'sorting-out' things between you. When the marriage or relationship is no longer a priority; when there is lack of attention and energy given to the relationship; when sex is viewed as drudgery or a chore, it is certainly time to seek the assistance of a qualified couples therapist. Know why you want to end the relationship. Know that there just wasn't any other solution. Know the factors involved. Know that there just isn't any hope for it.
But, if you must break up, do it with dignity and kindness. There's no need to say painful words. Be respectful. Be mature.
Ideally, you will want to provide support to your partners so that (s)he doesn't feel dumped-on. Go to a coffee shop or a community park picnic table so that voices will be kept at a respectable level. Try to understand where your partner is coming from, instead of feeling personally attacked. Explain why you no longer have the feelings you once had. Allow your partner to speak, and, listen carefully.
If you can't do this on your own, see someone who will help you through the process. It can be the same person who you saw for counseling. Most of all, KNOW that a relationship is not a prison sentence. If it's not joyful, fun, harmonious, respectful; then, think about the very best you can do for both of you.
Trust is the bedrock of all relationships. Whether it is with your spouse/partner, an employer/employee relationship, even a business relationship. We depend on others to be honest and forthright, and when that trust breaks down, what we can expect from that individual goes into the black hole of mistrust.
It is said that actions speak louder than words. Is the opposite true...i.e., that words speak louder than actions? Your friend requests a loan of $100. to be paid back in a month. The month comes and goes and no repayment. You, ask your friend for repayment, but (s)he states that (s)he doesn't have it. Your trust in that person is broken - - temporarily or forever. That depends on what further statements are made to the agreement of the lender.
The "action" is that repayment was NOT made. The words then become key. Words that would convey and request understanding, a honest explanation as to the circumstances, a different payback date, an installment plan, etc. If the lender (the one doing the lending) hears that the person doing the "borrowing" is sincere, apologetic, contrite, there is an opportunity for trust to be re-established.
Whether you are in an established relationship, or dating, trust plays a HUGE role of determining whether this is a person worthy of your time and commitment. This is extremely important. You would want to know whether the individual you are dealing with share similar values as you do. I'm saying that if you lend a boyfriend or girlfriend $100.00 and he/she doesn't repay when stated, to me, that's a red flag, and it should be for you too. One red flag. Are there others?
What builds trust is having a very good feeling about that person. Something I, myself, state to others, when necessary, is, "My word is my bond." I don't have to sign on the dotted line. I am saying, "you can trust me." Whatever, I agree to will absolutely occur. Look for people in your lives that you can absolutely trust. It will become quite apparent whether that person, or any person, is just that--- someone you can trust.
Take a listen to Dionne Warwick's, "Promises, Promises" on You Tube. An oldie, but goodie.