I've been extremely busy, but now I'm back to my monthly post.

PART 1 - Something that I've been hearing over and over again are hurtful words expressed by one partner in a relationship to the other, and how it diminishes sexual desire with that individual.  It makes sense that if you feel demeaned, degraded, belittled, you aren't going to feel desirous for a romp in the hay.  As it is referred to, lovemaking should be all about the love.

When a partner/spouse uses phrases or words to 'put-down' their partner, it can stem from a number of reasons.  It is vital that each partner be treated with dignity and respect.  If your partner isn't sensitive or knowledgeable that words can hurt, resentment will build up, feelings will be hurt, and the desire to show affection will be diminished or withdrawn altogether.

You can't change another person.  However, you can stand-up for yourself and communicate to her or him, that you have needs, and a major need would be not to ridiculed or mocked.  Opening that path for affection and connection requres healthy communication.

How much love, health, money is necessary to have a good life?  A comfortable life.  

Let's look at health today.  You would be surprised to read that there are many of us who believe that the good health that they have isn't good enough.  If they come down with the "common cold," there is worriment that it will lead to the flu?  Bronchitis? Will pneumonia be next?  What about lung cancer?  
Then, the cold is gone, and there is a different kind of worry.  Will it come back, and keep me from going to work?  Will it put me in bed?  Will I need antibiotics?   Or, if I do, will taking antibiotics not work when I really need them.  What do I need to do so that I don't come down with colds at all?

​This may all sound like high anxiety.  However, there is an answer to this anxious state.  When you feel better, take note of your health and well-being.  Be aware of your activity level.  Let go of the fear of sickness and illness, and what you weren't able to do when you weren't up to par.  Focus in on your health and well being. Take the time to acknowledge with gratitude, a few words acknowledging your state of well-being.  And then...go on and make it a terrific day.

Do you ever awaken in the a.m. not feeling yourself.  No desire to get out of bed.  Just wanting to pull the covers over your head and then staying there.  You have obligations, for sure:  children, employment, etc. What if it's a job you don't especially like, or, your unemployed, or, you don't like the people you work with, or, you're just plain feeling ick-y, would you say that you were suffering from symptoms of depression?  I would say that being unemployed, or, being at a job you don't like, or having problems with your children and not wanting to get out of bed in the morning...is not depression; however, it can certainly lead ot it.  There are many more factors involved.  Let's consider that you left a job that you didn't like, and you secured another job.  However, your new office doesn't have windows; and, there isn't free on-street parking; and, there are a whole bunch of new people that you do not know and they do not know you.  Understanding your triggers and analyzing those aspects of your life that make you feel low-energized, and, not wanting to pop out of bed in the morning, is not depression.  But they can be managed.  

By the way, I don't know about you, but I press my snooze button way too many times.  I found a product that requires you to literally get out of bed and place both feet on a cushy mat to turn off the alarm.  I'm not endorsing it.  Pls. do your regular due diligence.  It's called Ruggie, and, it's at Ruggie.co

When do you find out what a person is really like?  How long do you date someone to know whether this person in your life is a "keeper?"  

To drive a car, there's a manual that needs to be studied, practice runs with an instructor, a permit, a test, and then and only then does one obtain a license to drive.  

On the other hand, take $80. down to City Hall and bingo, a marriage license.  No instruction, No study, No mentoring, 

But who is that person that you are spending time?  Does he believe in 50/50?  Does she value who you are and what you do?  Is he giving and generous and treating you fairly, honorably and loving?  Does she hear you, respect you.  And, will this remain until death do you part?

Couples counseling isn't just for married people.  Two people are considering make a commitment with each other should have an objective 3rd person Professional sit with the two of you and help you navigate the journey of a long-term relationship.  Before the engagement, engage a therapist.  They will provide you with a safe place to facilitate conversation to discuss and better understand the belief systems each of you have about very important life topics.
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I so want to have faith in humanity.  Shootings have become epidemic anymore.  It doesn't even surprise me I'm stunned, but not shocked.  Every single day, there's something in the news that makes me anxious.  

Mass killings at a concert venue in Las Vegas, elementary schools (Sandy Hook), high schools (too many, but Stoneman Douglas was the most horrific), churches (First Baptist) and now a synagogue (Tree of Life). I worry and fear where and when next?   I am something of an expert treating symptoms of anxiety;  Simplistically, determine the cause, and establish the origin and establish the approach leading to the remission of the symptoms.  But these concerns are not going away.  It is too easy to obtain automatic guns and rifles with firing power meant for the military.  For what purpose would anyone need an AR-15 assault riifle?

I'm a patient person; however, I don't know how long I can wait for the treat.  In the meantime, I just feel tricked.

Insomnia, palpitations...sweaty palms (there's even a clinical term for it:  hiperhidrosis), Unemployment can be freeing and it can be frightening.

Free to look for another job, a different supervisor, higher pay, closer to home, or fear and anxiety from the job-seeking process, sending out resumes, wondering if they will even be read, interviews, waiting and waiting and waiting.  

Cognitive behavioral Therapists, such as myself, believe that our feelings come from our thoughts.  Thoughts, for example, like:  what if I'm too old or too young?  What if I don't have enough skills, or I have too much education?  How long will this process take?  What if I made the biggest mistake of my life by quitting my last job without having a new one to take its place?

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For those who are looking for employment, it's not an easy thing.  As one looks for work, the weeks, become months, and the months can become a year or more.  I'm not going to write about the steps one should take to find a job; rather, on a more personal basis, the feelings that come from feeling stuck in that unemployed state.

It's difficult to think about your accomplishments at this time.  It's difficult to be among friends who have good jobs and security.  It's difficult to even think about not being able to pay a mortgage or rent.

If you aren't moving on with your life, and, admittedly, it can be extremely difficult; however, the glue holding you back needs to be removed, so that you can move forward, so that you can progress, so that you can face your fears.

Next entry:  facing your fears or having the fears face you

My savings are depreciating.  Do I sell the stocks and sit on it?  Or, do I buy more of the depreciating stock, hoping it will go up in value.
I've been waiting in this line for 1/2 hr.  Do I move to another one if it looks like it's going faster?
When do you know whether you should stay the course, or throw in the towel?
When is it the right time to trust your intuition, or perhaps, trust others, with their thought on the matter?

#1 - Consult your financial planner 
#2 - Trust your gut

Of course, you are not going to find an expert on which line should you be in, nor should your friend or family member(s) be placed in the position to advise you on your relationship/marriage.   Give it a fair chance.  Find a therapist that you can BOTH relate to.  One who instills confidence in the plan to work on the aspects which need working-on.  Key to all of this:  When one or both of you become emotionally-detached, take time to THINK, REFLECT, DISCUSS, TRY VERY HARD TO TAKE YOUR PARTNER'S POINT OF VIEW, EXAMINE HER/HIS STRENGTHS, and then seek the assistance of a Couples Counselor to "partner" with the both of you to help guide you on making the right decision for you.  

Why is that when something is said in anger, the natural inclination is to say something back in anger?  Then it escalates, and, more words are said in the heat of this anger.  If this becomes a characteristic of your relationship, a downward spiral could occur and discord.

In Social Psychology, this process has been termed as Reciprocity, and there are 3 kinds:

​Positive Reciprocity -  saying a term of endearment to your partner/spouse and he/she says one back; a kiss is reciprocated with a kiss; a touch is reciprocated with another touch...positive.  There is an expectation that a positive action will be met by a positive response.

General Reciprocity - gift giving, sending a greeting card and not expecting anything in return; giving your partner/spouse a massage with no expectation of reciprocation.

Sharing, equality, fairness, splitting responsibilities 50/50, mutual understanding and PROBLEM-SOLVING.

Sometimes 1 partner has more responsibility; however, as long as it all works out in the end, it will be OK.

It's that time of the year for planning and going on the trip that we've been saving and planning for all year.

I know many couples who won't fly together when they have young children.  Makes sense.  If the plane crashes, the idea is that there will be at least one surviving parent.  But I have never asked, thinking it was highly insensitive, about the young parents who travel together with their baby.  

Travelling, vacationing is not without it's stress.  Perhaps the factors are not as dire, as what could happen in the scenario, above; however, there remains a great deal of stress surrounding what is supposed to be a reward for going on vacation in the first place - - - treating yourself (and your partner, spouse, friend) from the ongoing stressors of life.  But what about the stressors from vacations?

My 15 Vacation/Travel stressors:

1)     Mode of Transportation:  car, rail, ship, airplane
2)     The work at work being left behind
3)     Driving to the train station, airport, and the parking (don't we have a coupon?)
4)     Now we have a new stressor with flying:  will the airline request that we give up our seat once we are                 seated?
5)     Do we carry-on, or, risk checking our baggage and possible loss?
6)     Window seat or aisle seat (avoiding the climb-over)?
7)     Who's sitting next to us, if not a family member?  And who gets the armrest?
8)     Breathing re-circulated air.  It's a miracle when I don't come down with a cold after flying.
9)    Don't forget to wipe down that tray with sanitizer.  Careful with that storage compartment in the seat in           front of you.  Wipe those armrests.  Careful with the knob to the bathrm. Wipe ..., Careful..., Wipe...
10)  Transport to the hotel.  Will our rental car reservation be there?  Extra insurance/Will ours be enough?             Checking the car for scratches and dings.
11)  Will the hotel have your reservation when you arrive?
12)  Location of the room.  I'll never forget how much fun everyone had at that wedding, which was next to          my hotel room.  No sleep that night.
13)  Strip off that nasty bedspread.  We've all heard about what could be on that bedspread... more
       than we want to hear and know.
14)  Darn: the TV doesn't work, or, the lightbulb is 'out,' or the myriad other things that could be missing - -            housekeeping, or, the front desk?
15)  Getting around in an unfamiliar place

Is it worth it?  Do all the new things...sights & sounds, override all of the concerns?  
Stimulation of our hypothalamus, the release of ACTH (adrenocorticotropic hormone); secretion of any number of stress hormones and epinephrine.

Do we get more pleasure from it than the stress that's a part of it?  Solution ... A good book!  You'll save a ton of money and avoid alot of potential stress.  A tongue in cheek statement, but seriously, it is something to think about.  Happy Travels!