Who makes a good friend?  A true friend?  What characteristics should a friend have?  How many friends do you have?  Is it the number on your Facebook account?  Do you have the same friends now that you had 10 years ago?  How about those folks you invited to your wedding?  Depending on your age, of course, ten years is a significant amount of time and a good test for friendship endurance.

Do your friends lift you up, or, bring you down?
Are they there for you, or, do they find an excuse to not be there for you?

A true friend is there for you.
A true friend will hold you up when you need that.
A true friend is honest and sees the good in you, even if they don't agree with you.
A true friend welcomes your presence and accepts the person that you are.

Be the model example of what a good friend should be.
​As in the 'Golden Rule," do unto your good friend, as you would like your good friend to do and be unto you.

​Blessings.

You don't have to be alone.  You can schedule social activity, just like scheduling alone time.  Here's the thing: the folks who lament that "I don't have friends who will do things with me," or, "my weekends are boring, and I don't know how to fill it."  It does take effort.  It takes initiating.  It takes reaching-out.  I can't tell you how many times I've been told, "I'm tired of being the one who does the calliing, or the planning, or the reservations, etc.  "I don't feel that it is being reciprocated; so, I have just given up.  The key word there is FEEL."

If you are feeling angry, perturbed, frustrated, that is a feeling and not necessarily a FACT.  And, indeed, there are those who do not initiate the call or the activity.  And, it may very well trigger a feeling.  If it brings up triggers from your past, Relationships where you felt that you did all-the-work.  Unless it's your partner or spouse, and that's a situation for another discussion, then find friends who will take an equal role in cultivating the friendship.  It goes both ways, after all.

PS:  Review your life goals.  If you've always wanted to learn how to ice skate, learn an art (painting, sculpture, ceramics, flyfishing, astrology, cooking class, poetry, writing your memoir, travel - - the list can go on and on. Join a topical meetup group.  You'll be surprised how many like-minded people you meet.

I have a lot to say about this topic.  I, myself, am very comfortable being alone.  A time to catch-up.  A time to 'be 'alone' with my thoughts.  Reflective.  However, I fully understand that while I crave alone time, it's not for everyone.  For some, being alone can be miserable.

I know that there are people who have many friends and feel lonesome.  And for others who have few friends, feel anything but lonely.  

Loneliness is a serious situation.  It poses risks for physical maladies.  Lonely people are more susceptible to GI illness, heart and pulmonary disease than non-lonely people.  Studies indicate that lonely people feel worse when stricken with any physical condition, even the common-cold.

In the book, "Loneliness:  Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection," the author states that "solitude can be restorative and peaceful;" however, the same person who craves solitude can also be depressed, sad and unhappy.

Keep in mind that this is a perceptual thing.  The QUALITY of relationships is as important, if not more important, than the sheer number of relationships.

Since I didn't post in September, I shall be posting again in October, Techniques to Defend Oneself Against Loneliness.  Until then...

Do you have difficulty falling asleep, or, staying asleep.  Do you toss and turn, and you awaken feeling exhausted?  The tried and true advice:  no cell phones, or, other screen-type devices; watch caffeine consumption.  We've all heard those suggestions.

​However, did you know that although having a glass of wine is calming before bedtime, it can also cause fragmented sleep, especially mid-sleep period.  The Center for Disease Control and Prevention suggests that your last drink is 3 hours before bedtime and with that, one drink for women and two, at the max., for men.

If you are on medications, don't forget to ask your doctor the best time to take them, as some of them could be energizing, e.g., antidepressant SSRI's.

Having a nap in the middle of the day might trick your brain.  That "power nap" may be what you need to fend off exhaustion in the middle of the day; it might also fool your brain and body from having that natural tiredness so that you drift off to sleep easily.

With all of this stated, and still no restful, easy sleep, your physician just might be the next alternative, so that you are evaluated for psychological reasons (depression, anxiety), or even physiological ones (deviated septum, sleep apnea, etc.)?

I hear over and over again that my clients are able to have fun with their friends; however, when they go home, those same sad & depressed feelings return.   It is the exception when individuals feel sad getting togelther with friends.  Laughing, sharing memories, letting loose.  Then, coming home after an enjoyable activity, and those jumbled thoughts come into play which result in landing in a bad place.  Doing something enjoyable makes us feel good.  What we have to be on the lookout for is sameness, boredom, ennui.

Savor your experiences with friends, but also 'mix-up' the time you are home alone.  Take notice of your alone time and appreciate the ability to do the things you have wanted to do.  Try something new or add something different [burn incense, write, play music, DANCE (even if alone)].  Don't make it all about your 'to-do' list.

The important thing is:  don't get in a rut.  Appreciate what you have, and think about how to enhance it.  Make the most of all of your experiences.

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Unlike Flower Power, relationship power indicates that one partner has an unfair advantage.  100% giving and 100% receiving is unfair on both ends.  Giving and receiving doesn't have to be equal, but it does have to be fair.  What is key is that you stand up for yourself, making certain that you're heard.  If you do not feel you're being heard, what do you do?  Then, you have to negotiate, stating your case and expressing your desires.  " What I believe is fair that if I do the shopping, meal prep, cooking, then, I would appreciate if you would do the entire cleanup before we go to bed.  That would make me feel that you appreciate and honor the work I do." Caveat:  Know what you're going to say before you have this discussion.  If the discussion goes south, take a break (minimum of a 1/2 hour) before resuming.  Good luck!

Back to my monthly post...

Something that I've been hearing over and over again are hurtful words expressed by one partner in a relationship to the other, and how it diminishes sexual desire with that individual.  It makes sense that if you feel demeaned, degraded, belittled, you aren't going to feel desirous for a romp in the hay.  As it is referred to, lovemaking should be all about the love.

When a partner/spouse uses phrases or words to 'put-down' their partner, it can stem from a number of reasons.  It is vital that each partner be treated with dignity and respect.  If your partner isn't sensitive or knowledgeable that words can hurt, resentment will build up, feelings will be hurt, and the desire to show affection will be diminished or withdrawn altogether.

You can't change another person.  However, you can stand-up for yourself and communicate to her or him, that you have needs, and a major need would be not to ridiculed or mocked.  Opening that path for affection and connection requres healthy communication.

How much love, health, money is necessary to have a good life?  A comfortable life.  

Let's look at health today.  You would be surprised to read that there are many of us who believe that the good health that they have isn't good enough.  If they come down with the "common cold," there is worriment that it will lead to the flu?  Bronchitis? Will pneumonia be next?  What about lung cancer?  
Then, the cold is gone, and there is a different kind of worry.  Will it come back, and keep me from going to work?  Will it put me in bed?  Will I need antibiotics?   Or, if I do, will taking antibiotics not work when I really need them.  What do I need to do so that I don't come down with colds at all?

​This may all sound like high anxiety.  However, there is an answer to this anxious state.  When you feel better, take note of your health and well-being.  Be aware of your activity level.  Let go of the fear of sickness and illness, and what you weren't able to do when you weren't up to par.  Focus in on your health and well being. Take the time to acknowledge with gratitude, a few words acknowledging your state of well-being.  And then...go on and make it a terrific day.

Do you ever awaken in the a.m. not feeling yourself.  No desire to get out of bed.  Just wanting to pull the covers over your head and then staying there.  You have obligations, for sure:  children, employment, etc. What if it's a job you don't especially like, or, your unemployed, or, you don't like the people you work with, or, you're just plain feeling ick-y, would you say that you were suffering from symptoms of depression?  I would say that being unemployed, or, being at a job you don't like, or having problems with your children and not wanting to get out of bed in the morning...is not depression; however, it can certainly lead ot it.  There are many more factors involved.  Let's consider that you left a job that you didn't like, and you secured another job.  However, your new office doesn't have windows; and, there isn't free on-street parking; and, there are a whole bunch of new people that you do not know and they do not know you.  Understanding your triggers and analyzing those aspects of your life that make you feel low-energized, and, not wanting to pop out of bed in the morning, is not depression.  But they can be managed.  

By the way, I don't know about you, but I press my snooze button way too many times.  I found a product that requires you to literally get out of bed and place both feet on a cushy mat to turn off the alarm.  I'm not endorsing it.  Pls. do your regular due diligence.  It's called Ruggie, and, it's at Ruggie.co

When do you find out what a person is really like?  How long do you date someone to know whether this person in your life is a "keeper?"  

To drive a car, there's a manual that needs to be studied, practice runs with an instructor, a permit, a test, and then and only then does one obtain a license to drive.  

On the other hand, take $80. down to City Hall and bingo, a marriage license.  No instruction, No study, No mentoring, 

But who is that person that you are spending time?  Does he believe in 50/50?  Does she value who you are and what you do?  Is he giving and generous and treating you fairly, honorably and loving?  Does she hear you, respect you.  And, will this remain until death do you part?

Couples counseling isn't just for married people.  Two people are considering make a commitment with each other should have an objective 3rd person Professional sit with the two of you and help you navigate the journey of a long-term relationship.  Before the engagement, engage a therapist.  They will provide you with a safe place to facilitate conversation to discuss and better understand the belief systems each of you have about very important life topics.
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